Sunday, October 31, 2004

Squeaker vs Big Win

Margin of victory will have an impact on the aftermath of this election. A Squeaker (0-1% difference in popular vote) is analyzed vs Big Win (>5% difference in popular vote).

We read the tea leaves and posit these potential outcomes:

Squeaker For Kerry: Dan Rather declares landslide victory at 7:00 EST before polls close in Florida panhandle, Jennings and Brokaw quickly follow. New York Times leads with “Making of a Mandate: Kerry Crushes Bush – Tax Hikes for All” and argues for instantaneous transfer of power to Kerry administration. Kerry receives congratulatory phone call from Abu-musab -Al-Zarqawi. Spontaneous celebrations erupt in Qetta, Peshawar, Islamabad, and Paris. Theresa Heinz-Kerry orders wet bar for Oval office.

Squeaker For Bush: Kerry declares victory. David Boies files class action suit against Diebold, maker of the automated voting machine. Michael Moore claims film evidence of Halliburton employees stuffing ballot boxes. Jimmy Carter says Hugo Chavez more legitimate than Bush. John Edwards channels Christopher Reeve, says God wants Reeve to walk so election must continue until Kerry wins. Richard Holbrooke hosts U.N. observer conference on U.S. election fraud, chaired by Robert Mugabe.

Big Win for Kerry: see Squeaker above.

Big Win for Bush: Michael Moore has aneurysm, joins monastery, and shaves. Theresa Heinz-Kerry exercises pre-nuptial agreement, divorces Kerry, announces engagement to George Soros. John Kerry begins dating Athina Onassis. Al Gore asks for recount. . .Global War on Terror moves forward, Iraq holds elections, UBL is caught, tried, and executed.

Get out and vote!!