Saturday, December 04, 2004

Tommy Thompson Mulls His Options

Dateline: Washington

Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson said in a speech Friday announcing his resignation that he worries "every single night" about a possible terror attack on the food supply.

"For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do," Thompson said. "We are importing a lot of food from the Middle East, and it would be easy to tamper with that."

In an exclusive interview with Shaking Spears' Washington Correspondent, Thompson followed up on his resignation remarks:

"I don't know what I'll do next, but I've taken this assignment as far as it could go" Thompson said, further explaining that he had lobbied hard for the CIA Director post:

"After our Emergency Cabinet Meeting last month, I told President Bush that I was the most qualified to step in given the security breach in the CIA's Terrorist Watchlist System. After the database voided the names of all Al-Qaeda trained militants originating from Yemen, Oman, and Pakistan with birthdates post 1965, I felt that my budgetary management experience could help get the department back on its feet."

Thompson also considered other options: "I think I'd be a great fit to run Los Alamos," Thompson advised. He even consulted Dr. Wen Ho Lee about ways to improve the U.S.' premier weapons lab. "We have to rethink our obsession with security - we're now in a multi-polar world, and the free exchange of information is essential for better relations with other countries."

In a related development, Thompson's wife Samantha denied that she eats a quart of Haagen-Dazs each night and gets a bikini-wax twice a month, contradicting her husband's revelations during his weekly press conference.