Thursday, June 23, 2005

Spear Shaker's Guide to "Wellness"

The term “Wellness” is the new, New-age buzzword for our Era of Globalization and Acceleration. It’s meant to convey a more holistic view of physical and mental health, and softens the imagery (if not the practice) of alfalfa high colonics.

This seductive term has already been latched onto by the multi-level marketers and Ponzi schemes, promising ever-expanding cash flows if you just schedule one more Wellness Party and sell more jugs of dietary supplement powder. Wellness clinics are sprouting up around suburban strip malls.

Well, I’ve found the right prescription for “wellness,” and I suspect it’s more effective than a barley enema. Introducing the “Spear Shaker’s Guide to Wellness,” recently field-tested by me and certified by the Food and Drug Administration:

1) Avoid Airports – After 10 years of consistent business travel, I switched jobs and can say now, looking back, that I’d rather be bound in the fetal position on a urine-soaked floor of a Gitmo prison with rap music blaring at 150 decibels than travel on a consistent basis. Add 10 years to life expectancy.

2) Avoid Tom Cruise interviews – watching a clinical narcissist, who is physically unable to stop acting, “talk” about his myopic world view can hasten the onset of Alzheimer’s. Somebody give this man a Valium and tell him to stop PROJECTING. Add 5 years to life expectancy.

3) Avoid Attempting to Change Your Cell Phone Contract - Analog, TDMA, CDMA, GSM 1900 – the biggest scam going today is the Kafka-esque nightmare of cellular companies’ pricing schemes. Want to add your daughter to your plan and upgrade your phone? You’d have better luck reforming Social Security. Add 3 years to life expectancy.

4) Avoid The Stands at Your Child’s Little League Game – the not-so-dirty-little-secret is that parents are brutal when it comes to whispered critiques of coaches and players. I should know, my kid DIDN’T GET TO PITCH ENOUGH THIS YEAR!! Add 2 years to life expectancy.

5) Avoid Dietary Supplements – I read in Men’s Journal about this “miracle” supplement that had no side effects but made you feel like you’re 20 (wink). All I got after a week was diarrhea and insomnia. Add 2 years to life expectancy.

6) Seek Out – Mark Knopfler as he tours the U.S. this year. And seek out “House of Flying Daggers” in the DVD store. Both to soothe the soul. Add 2 years to life expectancy.

If you follow this prescription religiously, you’ll feel years younger. But be careful, inadvertently viewing a Dick Durbin apology on C-Span can quickly cancel the positive effects.